2012: 5 Things You Didn’t Know

(AskMen) – According to followers of the Mayan Calendar Prophecy, the Mayan civilization saw the future with unmatched clarity, they foresaw important global and galactic events, and predicted a particular doomsday to occur in late 2012.

If they were so good at seeing the future, why didn’t one of them mention an earlier kind of doomsday for the Maya, that of 1517, and the coming of the Spanish Conquistadores? You would think that their future suffering from enslavement and smallpox would have set off some alarm bells for a skilled prognosticator — we’re just saying.

In reality, there is no evidence that the world will end in 2012. There is, however, evidence that it’s going to hell right now: The Complete Idiot’s Guide to 2012 was coauthored by an “authoritative” believer in crop circles. These guides used to be written for idiots. What’s next; “The Idiot’s Guide to Spirit Orbs” written by a respected Edgar Cayce enthusiast?

As the inmates begin running the asylum, we present 5 things you didn’t know about the 2012 prophecy.

1- The 2012 prophecy relies on discredited calendrics

The first thing you didn’t know about the 2012 prophecy is all you really need to know about the 2012 prophecy.

Back in 238 B.C. (or so, maybe 236) someone in Mesoamerica (likely not even a Mayan), chose a specific day many years prior in a pair of overlapping calendars as the date of the beginning of the world. This person used the 260-day sacred almanac (Tzolkin), and the 365-day secular calendar (Haab‘), calendars used across Mesoamerica, not just among the Maya. The chosen day corresponds, in our Gregorian calendar, to August 11, 3114 B.C. This ancient person had his reasons for choosing that day, but they weren’t terribly good ones, especially when you consider that he was effectively assigning it the origin of the world.

He then combined the Haab‘ and Tzolkin into a complex cycle of 52 years called the Calendar Round. To measure longer spans of time, he extrapolated their concepts of time into the so-called Long Count calendar — the source of the alleged prophecy — said to be on cycles of about 5,125 years, which suggested that this Long Count calendar cycle will come to an end on or around December 21, 2012, and a new cycle will begin.

Because this probable date occurs near the winter solstice, and because it shares a figure, 144,000 (a subdivision of days in the Long Count calendar and a figure that features prominently in the New Testament Book of Revelations), the conspiracy morons came crawling out of the woodwork claiming end of days, galactic disasters or shifts of consciousness, when in reality the end/beginning of a new cycle would have been a reason for celebration among the Maya, not a nail-biting Armageddon.

2- Apple has a 2012 app

Never mind what those calendrics say, Apple thinks you should drop a dollar on a 2012 app for your iPhone, one that will provide everything you’ll need to take you right into Armageddon or a shift in consciousness or whatever the hell’s supposed to happen in late December 2012. This handsome app features a handy countdown to inform you of your remaining time on earth, a “note to self” feature to remind you of unfinished business before the big day, a curious “time capsule” feature, and interesting facts about Maya culture to impress your soon-to-be-dead friends.

We first came across this app on a web site dedicated to 2012, which featured a video for the app. Underneath, a single user comment read: “This is the dumbest thing I have ever seen.”

Sums it up very nicely.

Embrace the doom and gloom of 2012, and don’t forget to buy bottled water and matches..

3- The Mayans call 2012 the “Gringo Invention”

Another thing you didn’t know about the 2012 prophecy concerns the Maya themselves. They’re fascinating aren’t they? After hundreds of years of advanced civilization, they suddenly up and vanished from the earth. How mysterious!

And how patently false. As many as seven million “Maya” live today, in pretty much the same areas they lived 15,000 years ago; parts of Mexico, the Yucatan Peninsula, Guatemala, Belize, El Salvador, and Honduras. They speak as many as 30 languages, some of them threatened with dying out, and in general they find the doomsday interpretation of their calendar system to be exploitative and demeaning.

4- 2012 is the new Y2K

Remember 1999?  Boy, that millennium bug was such a bust! Well, a bust in terms of disaster scenarios, but a boom for business. And as you might suspect, a similar feeding frenzy is on for “Armageddon ’12” and the anciently mysterious Mesoamerican belief systems said to support it.

Books began coming out on the subject decades ago, although they’re starting to pour in now (we kindly ask that you look them up on Amazon yourself, as we’d rather not give them any free publicity); along with a number of major motion pictures are either coming out or in development, in some cases starring big names like John Cusack; countless web sites devoted to this pathetic hoax; and a number of 2012 Conventions, where people pay figures considered to be Mayan authorities to speak in the kind of nonsensical New Age language that was first truly perfected in L. Ron Hubbard‘s Dianetics.

5- The 2012 Armageddon will be broadcast from Sherman Oaks

The last thing you didn’t know about the 2012 prophecy is that the arrival of its unholy Armageddon will probably be broadcast live on the nation’s most paranoid radio station: Coast to Coast AM. This wildly popular overnight show beams straight outta’ Sherman Oaks, California, former home to the famous Galleria and birthplace of that eternal bitch-you-hate-to-love, the Valley Girl. It’s hosted by George Noory and picked up by XM Radio Satellite as well as hundreds of stations nationwide. It has a devoted following composed of “omigod I’m so shur” conspiracy theorists, trepanation freaks, ghost hunters, and alien abductees in and out of therapy. The show covers every imaginable make-believe topic; if you can shake a stick in front of it and say “hocus pocus” or “abracadabra,” they discuss it.

A subscription to their Streamlink would make a wonderful Christmas gift. According to the Mayan calendar there are only three Christmases left before the apocalyptic convergence of our galactic harmonies, so don’t delay!

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